Please Release Me - at 43

Hmmm after 10 years of marriage i finally calls it quit. Well thats my story anyway. I've now gone into a journey called adjustment. Most newly single dads I know struggle to know where to start. What should be first on my list, and how do I even begin tor get my arms around the rest? Having talked to a number of single dads who have successfully negotiated this transition with their children, these are the recommendations laid to me by some. As adults, we have at least learned some coping mechanisms in our life to deal with change. Often, our children are totally unprepared for having a single dad as their primary caregiver. So as i help your son adjust, i'm considering the following suggestions. Talk a lot. Many children will open up and want to talk to dad or others about what has happened. Others will clam up or get busy being supportive to suppress their feelings. Your job is to keep them talking and to be a good listener. Encourage them to talk with you—if not with you, create a situation where they can talk to a trusted adult. Sometimes relatives, clergy, adult friends or therapists can help if they won't talk with you. But it is important to help them deal with their feelings and frustrations. Of particular importance is helping them see that the loss of their mother is not their fault. Show confidence. Children need to see that their dad is confident and optimistic about the future. Let them know that you are OK and that with time, your family will reach a new level of comfort and routine. Your attitude will make a huge difference in how they feel and cope now and later. Make and keep promises. For whatever reason their mom is no longer at home, your children's trust is likely shaken. Whether mom betrayed them by leaving or whether she died, they will not be very trusting, and, in their mind, for good reason. The best way to build trust with the children is to make and keep promises. Do what you say you will do, and don't make a promise you are not committed to keep. Consistency and honesty will help them find the courage to trust again. Losing a spouse for whatever reason can create all kinds of feelings in a man. And while you now in a very real sense have to be the principle support for the kids, you can't be all they need without a little self care. Make time for introspection. You will find a need to take a deep look inside and be ready for this new challenge. Get a grip on your feelings. Writing them down in a journal or in a password-protected computer file can really be a good way of looking objectively. Consider your strengths and weaknesses and find ways to compensate for the things you have a hard time with. Get comfortable with yourself and it will go a long way to your healing efforts for yourself and your family. Focus on health. Some dads deal with the stress of this situation by holing up or binge eating. Make sure you don't go there. Make time for exercise, even if you have to do it with one or more of the kids. Walk, run, hit the gym—just stay active. And make sure that you eat right. Resist the temptation to subsist on junk food. Keep lots of vegetables in your life. Consider early mornings. Once the kids are up and around, its harder to make time for you. And at night, there are lots of temptations like TV and the computer to distract you. Get up an hour earlier than the kids and make time for exercise, reading, getting organized and maybe even some meditation. Investing one early morning hour in yourself can make a marked difference. One of the biggest challenges newly single dads tell me about is the need to establish new routines when the other adult at home is not there any more. Get the kids involved. A lot of routine chores are within the capability of the children. Chores like cleaning, sweeping, vacuuming and more are not beyond their skill level if you teach them what you expect. A chore chart can really help with reminding them and keeping them accountable. Have laundry days. Trying to get ahead of and keep up with the laundry can be a big task. One new single dad I know tossed all of the kids' socks and bought 12 matching pairs for each child so mating socks became easy. Consider setting aside a couple of days a week for laundry. If your kids are a little older, they can do their own with a little training. And if you are not used to separating clothes for washing, ask an experienced laundry-doer for some help. There are not many things more discouraging than having a nice white shirt being suddenly pink because it was washed in the wrong temperature water with the wrong colors. Have your own chore chart. One dad I know got one of those little binders that hold punched 3 x 5 index cards with dividers for different days of the week. Under the Monday and Thursday tabs, he put cards for vacuuming; under the Saturday tab was a card for cleaning the bathroom. Every day he opened the binder to the right tab and knew what he had to get done that day. Find a simple system and stick to it. It will take a lot of the stress out of these routine duties. Accept help. Often, as others you love see you struggle, they will ask if they can help. Learn to be a gracious receiver of their offers. Swallow your pride, recognize that you can't do it all, and express gratitude for the help of others. With a little thought, time, emotional strength and help, you can make this very difficult transition to single fatherhood a little more bearable.